1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.
A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices
a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What's going on?", he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columbus."
"What's the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it's a secret."
Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I see by your car emblem
that you are a Fast Master..."
or
Police officer, writing a speeding ticket: "I'm afraid you aren't going
to make it to Ethiopia..."
Whilst visiting a newly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and
said her husband had started behaving very strangely since joining. I enquired in what way?
"He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book."
As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
"Oh fine was his reply." I asked him about his behavour and if there was anything wrong.
"No", was his reply.
"So why only read the book in the bathroom?
"Well," he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting.
When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and
hanging out of the case.
Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff?"
John gives a quick look and whispers, "You remember the installation meeting last year?"
Mike acknowledges and John goes on, "On the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely lady.
Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I
was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'em out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!"
It seems one of our Past Masters went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
Proudly the Master replied, "Simon W Robinson".
St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and,
strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
The Master asked why the clocks were all out of sync. St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Oh, yours is in the kitchen, of course."
"The kitchen?!", asked the Master.
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years.
They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Celestial Grand Lodge
above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven
and what they were like.
By and by, it came to pass that Bill died first. One day shortly after,
Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice. "Pssst Pat!"
He looked
around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly "Pat! Its me, Bill!"
Pat exclaimed, "Are you in Heaven?"
"Indeed I am", said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over
the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
"There certainly are, Pat.
There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street.
The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the Table Lodge fantastic and the
spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
"My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very wonderful! But for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter?"
"Well, Pat, you are right, there is one thing... I have some good news and some bad news."
"OK. Whats the good news?"
"The good news
is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday."
"Great!", said Pat. "So what's the bad news then?"
"You're gonna be the Inside Sentinal! "
A story that made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth".
A Brother on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after
day of his vacation went by without bagging a deer.
On the last day, as he was
about to give up in desperation, he heard a crashing in the woods and saw a
glimpse of brown and fired. Silence. Rushing over to where he fired, he found that
he had killed a bull moose, which is protected from hunters to save it from extinction.
As he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing.
Our brother found his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position.
"What shall we do with the body?"
"Cover it, you damn fool," said the Warden, "and make your escape!"
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.
"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!"
"Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman.
"The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!"
"Is that all?" asked the hangman.
"Yes" replied the convicted murder.
"Then you will advance one step with your left foot..."
A Mason is on a Business Trip. One day he comes to a small village, somewhere in the north of England. Our Brother is curious to know whether there is a Masonic Lodge or not, so he takes a walk through the village and after some time he finds a path called "Mason's Road".
Thinking that the path might lead to the Masonic Temple, he follows it. At the end of the pathway he sees a building, which looks somewhat rotten and seems to have been out of use for quite a while. Our Brother tries to open the door and, surprisingly, it is not locked. He goes inside and finds dust and spider webs everywhere. In front a door there sits a skeleton, wearing an apron , a collar and holding a sword in its hand.
"O my God", thinks our Brother and enters the Lodge room. In puzzlement, he sees skeletons with collars and aprons everywhere. The W.M., the Wardens, the Organist, Deacons - all skeletons. He looks around and goes to the seats of the Secretary and Treasurer.
Under the hand of the Treasurer he finds a small piece of paper, a little note, which he seems to have passed to the Secretary. So our Brother picks up the note, blows away the dust and reads: "If nobody prompts the W.M., we will sit here forever!"
Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting?
He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him one, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him".
Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"
"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."
Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced." "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.
"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one."
"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"
As the story goes here in the east, two friends were riding the
train to work. Harry said to jim, "did you ever notice the conductor
never takes a ticket fronm that guy wearing that funny ring. I've seen
those rings in the pawn shop in Hoboken, I think I'll get me one and see
what happens".
The next day Harry was flashing his new ring when the
conductor came up and asked him, "Will you be off or from?"
Harry thought for a moment then replied "I'll be off".
The conductor told him he was right, he'd be off at the next station.
